Connect With Others By Listening: Meditation Through Action
Ven. David Xi-Ken Astor 曦 肯
A few weeks ago I gave a Dharma Talk at the Buddha Center on Second Life about reading as an act of meditation. Then last weeks events with the death of Osama bin Laden engaged my thinking and need for expressing myself, as my blog postings give witness. Today my mind comes back to the theme of alternative expressions of ways to meditate (or contemplate), and I want to share with you thoughts on how listening can also be a form of “active” meditation with intent. The lessons of the broader implications associated with the troubles in the Middle East come to mind when I think about how we often do not listen to each other, and the trouble and misunderstanding that can pursue.
Understanding is at the heart of any Buddhist practice. In many ways it is the core of compassionate living. It is human nature for us to be seen and accepted, which is how we feel loved. Understanding and being mindful of others can be a deep form of meditation, as it allows us to become aware of another individual’s world as our mind becomes still and our body-mind becomes accepting. It is about receptiveness rather than making judgments, resonance rather than separation. Individuals who do not listen well, who interrupt, get restless, want to skip over difficulties, and take the conversation back to themselves, are usually uneasy with their own feelings, or their ego has its own need to be heard and validated over the interests of others. Thus, our ability to listen attentively is a measure of our inner peace and self-confidence. A lesson I need to practice more myself.
Consider that concentrated listening is a blessing we give to others. To listen is to let go of the self and be fully present for another person, even when they have strong feelings that seem opposed to our own. This is “selfless” listening. When our intent is to connect with what others are experiencing as expressed in what they are saying, we become bonded in the interconnectiveness that expresses Universal nature. When we feel connected and seen, our body-mind calms down and feelings of alienation and separation diminish. When we have self confidence for feeling heard and seen, and cared for, we develop the courage and curiosity to break though our personal preference boundaries that will enrich our worldview.
This calls to mind an experience I had during my ordination at Furman University’s Place of Peace Temple, when I met with my teacher’s teacher along with the other senior monks, and witnessed how he said very little, while listening with a receptive warmth and steady gaze, nodding his head during our questions and comments. He did not take the conversation over or interrupt when others were speaking. He created an environment where it was OK to ask more personal questions and comments. His very body connected with the speaker as he listened with complete concentration. He was a gifted listener, and reflected inner stillness, which one would expect from an awakened being.
If we have trouble listening, we may be uncomfortable with our feelings, we may have strong opinions or judgments, or take the moral high ground, all which will keep our feelings separate from others in significant ways. We may feel anxious when someone disagrees with us or is in emotional turmoil that challenges our self-interests. At this point, we are often not listening, we are only reacting out of our own uneasiness or need for attention. We are not connecting, and we do not have the sense to care.
Responding is different than reacting. A response comes from taking in what another person is saying, letting it enter our thoughts, and listening for what arises in us, then relaying it back to the other person. We connect, and we communicate our caring and connection in a larger way. Sometimes we listen; other times we have a dialogue. True dialogue is an interactive dynamic experience, not just a recitation of what we believe. The situation feels new because we are responding to what arises in the moment while listening deeply WITHIN ourselves. When we are only identified with our beliefs, it is difficult to listen and be supportive of another persons interest, or the need to seek common ground in order to keep connected.
Seeking common ground is so important if we are to work to create positive change. To maintain connection with others we must take care not to establish a right-wrong stance. We are challenged to look at the whole picture, and remain at the 10,000 foot view in order to discover best resolutions if we are solving situations of conflict. There are many variables, and when we listen to each other and work to broaden the conversation, seeing conflict in the many colors our different cultures reflect, rather than just black and white, right and wrong, we remain connected. It is OK to have our differences AND stay connected.
What can we do now? Work to change one thing: work to cease to give unwanted advice or stop interrupting. If we learn to do that, we can dramatically change our relationships as well as our inner experience and the structure of our personality at the same time. With this new tool for connecting with others, we can make a difference in how we engage within our community. And that is where it all starts.
David /\
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞
Connect With Others By Listening: Meditation Through Action (Revisited)
Ven. David Xi-Ken Astor 曦 肯
In a previous blog post a few days ago I wrote about listening and its importance when considering the Eightfold Path of encompassing and corrective speech. I have expanded my thoughts on the subject and am offering this update. Today my mind comes back to the theme of alternative expressions of ways to meditate (or contemplate), and I want to share with you additional thoughts on how listening can also be a form of “active” meditation with intent. The lessons of the broader implications associated with the troubles in the Middle East come to mind when I think about how we often do not listen to each other, and the trouble and misunderstanding that can pursue.
Understanding is at the heart of any Buddhist practice. In many ways it is the core of compassionate living. It is human nature for us to be seen and accepted, which is how we feel loved. Understanding and being mindful of others can be a deep form of meditation, as it allows us to become aware of another individual’s world as our mind becomes still and our body-mind becomes accepting. It is about receptiveness rather than making judgments, resonance rather than separation. Individuals who do not listen well, who interrupt, get restless, want to skip over difficulties, and take the conversation back to themselves, are usually uneasy with their own feelings, or their ego has its own need to be heard and validated over the interests of others. Thus, our ability to listen attentively is a measure of our inner peace and self-confidence. A lesson I need to practice more of myself.
Consider that concentrated listening is a blessing we give to others. To listen is to let go of the self and be fully present for another person, even when they have strong feelings that seem opposed to our own. This is “selfless” listening. When our intent is to connect with what others are experiencing, we become bonded in the interconnectiveness that expresses Universal nature. When we feel connected and seen, our body-mind calms down and feelings of alienation and separation diminish. When we have self confidence for feeling heard and seen, and cared for, we develop the courage and curiosity to break though our personal preference boundaries that will enrich our worldview.
This calls to mind an experience I had during my ordination at Furman University’s Place of Peace Temple, when I met with my teacher’s teacher, Dr. David Shaner Sensei, along with the other senior monks, and witnessed how he said very little, while listening with a receptive warmth and steady gaze, nodding his head during our questions and comments. He did not take the conversation over or interrupt when others were speaking. He created an environment where it was OK to ask more personal questions and comments. His very body connected with the speaker as he listened with complete concentration. He was a gifted listener, and reflected inner stillness, which one would expect from an awakened being.
If we have trouble listening, we may be uncomfortable with our feelings, we may have strong opinions or judgments, or take the moral high ground, all which will keep our feelings separate from others in significant ways. We may be feeling anxious when someone disagrees with us or is in emotional turmoil that challenges our self-interests. At this point, we are often not listening, we are only reacting out of our own uneasiness or need for attention. We are not connecting, and we do not have the sense to care.
Responding is different than reacting. A response comes from taking in what another person is saying, letting it enter our thoughts, and listening for what arises in us, then relaying it back to the other person. We connect, and we communicate our caring and connection in a larger way. Sometimes we listen; other times we have a dialogue. True dialogue is an interactive dynamic experience, not just a recitation of what we believe. The situation feels new because we are responding to what arises in the moment while listening deeply WITHIN ourselves. When we are only identified with our beliefs, it is difficult to listen and be supportive of another persons interest, or the need to seek common ground in order to keep connected.
Seeking common ground is so important if we are to work to create positive change. To maintain connection with others we must take care not to establish a right-wrong stance. We are challenged to look at the whole picture, and remain at the 10,000 foot view in order to discover best resolutions if we are solving situations of conflict. There are many variables, and when we listen to each other and work to broaden the conversation, seeing conflict in the many colors our different cultures reflect, rather than just black and white, right and wrong, we remain connected. It is OK to have our differences AND stay connected.
It takes a lot of concentration and determination to be an active listener. Old habits are not easy to break, and if your listening habits are as bad as many people’s are, then there is a lot of habit-breaking to do. Be deliberate with your listening and remind yourself frequently that your goal is to truly hear what the other person is saying. Set aside all other thoughts and behaviors and concentrate on what message is being conveyed. Ask questions, reflect on what you are being told, and paraphrase back to ensure you understand the message. In this way you are strengthening the connection. If you don’t, then you will find that what someone says to you and what you hear can be amazingly different. Start practicing active listening right now, with what I am saying, and work to find the lesson.
Never in the history of humankind have we had so many means of communication. But we still remain islands. There is so little communication between the members of families, individuals in society, and between nations. We suffer from so many wars and conflicts. We surely have not cultivated the art of listening and speaking, even with all these tools. Although the young generation is learning and using these social-networking tools to stay connected, and this is a good thing (with all things be equal). But many of us do not know how to listen to each other. We have little ability to hold an intelligent or meaningful conversation much of the time. We have learned to hear and speak in “sound bytes”, or we live on the surface of our minds where every ripple elicits a squeak. Even when we practice the Eightfold path of mindful speech, which in my mind should also include deep listening, unless we look deeply into ourselves, the practice will not be easy. If there is a lot of suffering in us, it is difficult to listen to other people or to say positive things to them, or work to find mutual resolution to conflict. We will generally only act out of anger and frustration in harmful ways, and continue to add to the negative karmic chain of suffering. When we remain calm enough, we may be able to use mindful speech.
The ability and need to communicate touches every area of our lives. Everything we do in life requires communication with others. Just try to not communicate for a day and see what happens. Refuse to communicate in your personal relationships and see what kind of interesting results you will create. Much of communication theory focuses on how to speak to others and how to convey your message. But, communication is really a two-way process. It is an activity, not a one-time event. The listener’s role is as central to the communication process as the speaker’s role. Real communication and connection occur when the speaker AND listener participate in the process with intent.
What can we do now? Work to change one thing: work to cease to give unwanted advice or stop interrupting. If we learn to do that, we can dramatically change our relationships as well as our inner experience and the structure of our personality at the same time. With this new tool for connecting with others, we can make a difference in how we engage our community.
And, if all else fails just remember these words from an ancient Greek philosopher and you are guaranteed to improve your listening skills: “Nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak.”
David /\
