by Wayne Ren-Cheng
A man experiences insight.
“I had no idea that people suffer death, despair, disease and aging. All around me, all these years these things have been taking place and I’ve been isolated, pampered and wanting for nothing. What kind of person am I? I’ve got food to fill my belly . . . some have only a handful of rice for an entire family. The family healer has assured that I’ve never taken ill, yet illness strikes many others. The family holy man has assured me that my karma is unblemished . . . or so he says . . . yet he preaches that others will suffer in lives to come. I’ve learned to be a warrior, a sage, and a leader . . . but I guess I haven’t learned how to be a human being. My life has been one of leisure, wealth, parties, harems, feasts and servants. Beyond my home lives seem to be ones of wants and deprivations while I have everything I need and much, much more.”
“I am such an idiot not to have noticed this before now. What can I do to make up for my ignorance? I know . . . I’ll experience their lives by leaving home and becoming an ascetic. I’ll experience suffering. I’ll live off a grain of rice a day and purge myself of the negative karma I’ve accumulated through my own ignorant thoughts and actions.”
Really though, no one knows how Siddhartha viewed himself. When he came to recognize the realities of suffering did he put a hand to his forehead and say to himself, “I’ve been so stupid all these years. All around me are people in distress and I’ve been blind to it.” Did he wonder if that since he had only experienced comfort and happiness while others experienced suffering and discontent was that the duality of the world. We’ve really got no idea if he immediately set forth on his spiritual quest or if he agonized over it for months or years before deciding to leave his home and family, to become a medicant and ascetic. Like all of us, Siddhartha must have carried on internal conversations between him and . . . him. His teachings do reveal that he re-described those conversations with himself as his worldview changed. Conversations that became the Dharma.